When you lose someone close,
You don't just grieve that one person,
You grieve for the others you have lost before,
You grieve for the others that will also be gone.
Often, you are so wrapped in thick fog of grieving, you have no idea who the tears stream for,
Who that pain in your body connects to,
You are not even necessarily thinking of anything in particular.
Often grief brings us a blank void,
Where time and space no longer exists.
Somewhere amongst all of that foggy mess:
You are just in pain,
You can't explain it,
You can't understand it,
You can't reason it,
It just is,
You just hurt,
You have pain in places you didn't realise existed.
At different points voices come in:
Am I wallowing?
Am I over playing this?
Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
Is this what I'm supposed to be feeling?
How do I make sense of any of this?
Should I be moving forward already?
They'll come in thick and fast,
And if you let one lead you to a false sense of 'I'm all good now',
That will certainly come back to bite you when you least expect.
This is about full surrender;
Full surrender to the tears, the fears, the anguish, the pain, the heart-ache.
Full surrender to letting them be felt when they need to be felt.
Full surrender to a total mess of confusion.
Full surrender to the numbness that also sets in.
Full surrender to the black abyss.
Full surrender to asking for help and support.
Full surrender to the embarrassment or shame of still feeling utter sh*t.
Knowing the quickest way through is to taste it, touch it, smell it, feel every last drop of it,
No matter how much you scream out in pain.
There are so many parts of yourself that will be thanking you for it in the long run,
So many parts rejoicing that you are not putting this on ice, in a box, with 'do not enter' slapped across it.
Because as you start to feel, you start to heal,
And the memories that stream in are not tinged with so much pain and sadness,
Rather joy and happiness that you had them,
Joy and happiness that you had this wonderful soul in your life,
Connected right at the seams of your heart .
So get messy, mucky, dirty, gritty in that melting pot of grief,
No-one cares how it looks,
You own it and do the work on yourself,
Process every last piece, so you can find that light again...
The light of the soul, you so deeply loved.